Changed Forever

As is the story of my life, tomorrow could be the next day or a week later.

Picking up where I left off... when my husband confessed, I didn't feel angry. I was actually full of compassion. He was shaking and sobbing...this is a man who has always shown so little emotion. When I hugged him, he pushed me away and told me I should be yelling at him or hitting him. I just felt awful that he had carried that with him for so long and how miserable that must have felt. I was extremely hurt of'course and couldn't comprehend the magnitude of what was happening at the time. Sometimes, I really think I still can't.

I also felt grateful which sounds crazy but for so long I had struggled in our marriage and couldn't figure out why we couldn't get along better. I had read books, prayed, and tried to talk with him and tried to work with him. I had felt so frustrated. He was always so critical, negative, controlling and manipulative. I would tell him that I felt like he was working against me, he was disrespectful to me and that if he put a tenth of the energy into our marriage that he put into his work that our marriage could be so much better. I asked him to pray with me and read scriptures but he'd say he'd get more out of it on his own. So many times I had wanted to leave but I kept thinking about that statement in the Proclamation to the Family put out by my church (the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) that says, "Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity." I had felt so guilty that I had such negative feelings about my husband. Now everything made sense. He was working against me. As much as he made me feel through his criticism and blame that the lack of the Spirit of God in our home was me, it wasn't. His actions and behavior had been driving it out of our home and out of his heart. I was grateful to know...it really wasn't me. All of these feelings and many more, were going through my mind and heart at the same time. It was surreal.

We left the therapist office after she told us that it can be overcome and our marriage would be stronger than we ever imagined if we could get through it. She made the comparison between sexual addiction and heroin which was a little overwhelming to me. I have relatives whose addiction to heroin has pretty much ruined their lives. I did point out that they never had turned it over to the Lord though.

After we left the therapists office, we went to the Bishop's office. I'm sure this was difficult for my husband as he was a member of the bishopric. At that point I was sobbing and felt like I might have a heart attack. My arms were numb from my shoulders to my elbows, my chest felt heavy, I was having a hard time breathing, was having chest pains and felt like I might throw up. Now I know what anxiety on the verge of a panic attack feels like. This went on for about a week and still happens every now and again.

I don't even remember most of the conversation we had with the Bishop. He did ask me if I wanted to leave instead of hear it all again (I guess the sobbing was an indicator that it was extremely hard to hear it again) but I felt like I wanted to know everything even though it hurt so badly. He had lied about so many things, I just wanted to know the whole truth. I do remember my husband agreeing with the Bishop that I was a great person and that it said so much that I was there with him. He said he knew he married the right person...I think he may have said that to the therapist too. I just remember being a little bugged by it at the time. I guess because it left the expectation that I wouldn't leave and that was definately still a very possible reality.

After the Bishop met with us together, he met with us individually. I felt frustrated when I sat down and the Bishop told me that my husband was going to need to be his focus and that he was going to need my help. Although I didn't verbalize it, I thought...maybe I don't want to help him. Afterwards, I asked him for a blessing and unfortunately, had a hard time feeling the spirit. I think my emotions were everywhere. My whole life as I knew it would never be the same.

More tomorrow...or the next day