Still Married

Well, I couldn't remember my login etc. and haven't posted anything for a year. A very long year. I am still married but wonder if I should be or want to be or even will be for long. I've cried more this year than I have in my entire life. So much has happened and been felt. I know the Lord is directing me but at the same time I often feel lost. So much has changed yet stayed the same.

Today is Mother's Day. No matter what happens in my life, I will always be thankful that I had the chance to be a mother and that I have such wonderful children.

Emotional Rollercoaster

So much time has past, its hard to remember all of the details. I remember the day or two after feeling every emotion possible. Gratitude that he confessed...for so long I had felt frustrated that despite all my effort I couldn't seem to have the marriage and spirit in our home that I'd always hoped for...I often felt if I could be a better person, things would be better. Now I knew that so many of the thoughts I had were true. I'd often said I felt like he was working against me, I felt like he was trying to push me to leave. I felt like he was teaching our children defiance and always seemed to contradict me in my efforts. Now I understood. It really wasn't me. I was Grateful. I felt hurt...so very, very hurt. I never knew a person could feel so very hurt. I felt anxiety...a weight I knew would one day go away. I felt compassion for those who feel anxiety and for my husband who had carried that aweful burden for so long. I felt angry for all the hurt and lies and frustration that I'd felt all these years without knowing why. I felt confused. Is addiction a big word to excuse selfish, lustful behavior? I felt frustrated and overwhelmed by all of the choices and decisions that I knew I would need to make. I felt trapped. I felt numb. Then I felt surprised that for the first time in a very long time I felt an incredible desire to be close to my husband. I felt so much passion. I felt crazy.

I did receive answers amidst all of the confusion. The day after, I opened my scriptures and saw one of my favorites in D&C 25 about the song of the heart being a prayer unto God. I continued reading and felt the spirit...I read in D&C 25:13-15 "Wherefore, lift up thy heart and rejoice, and cleave unto the covenants which thou has made. Continue in the spirit of meekness, and beware of pride. Let thy soul delight in thy husband, and the glory which shall come upon him. Keep my commandments continually, and a crown of righteousness thou shalt receive. And except ye do this, where I am you cannot come."

I have read this many times since...sometimes I feel hope. Sometimes I feel trapped.

Another great experience that happened in the few days after was when I was in the shower. I often sing in the shower because I love to sing and it seems like everyone sounds good in the shower right. The words to a song came into my mind and I began to sing...One day I hope to write the song, even if it is only for me.

The words began...

Be near me in my darkest hour

Please help me so I can feel thy power

Lord I love thee

Lead and Guide Me

Help Me Know thou art beside me....

I was so grateful to hear this song in my mind. I was having trouble feeling the spirit and close to the Lord and this helped me know he was near. I felt loved.

Changed Forever

As is the story of my life, tomorrow could be the next day or a week later.

Picking up where I left off... when my husband confessed, I didn't feel angry. I was actually full of compassion. He was shaking and sobbing...this is a man who has always shown so little emotion. When I hugged him, he pushed me away and told me I should be yelling at him or hitting him. I just felt awful that he had carried that with him for so long and how miserable that must have felt. I was extremely hurt of'course and couldn't comprehend the magnitude of what was happening at the time. Sometimes, I really think I still can't.

I also felt grateful which sounds crazy but for so long I had struggled in our marriage and couldn't figure out why we couldn't get along better. I had read books, prayed, and tried to talk with him and tried to work with him. I had felt so frustrated. He was always so critical, negative, controlling and manipulative. I would tell him that I felt like he was working against me, he was disrespectful to me and that if he put a tenth of the energy into our marriage that he put into his work that our marriage could be so much better. I asked him to pray with me and read scriptures but he'd say he'd get more out of it on his own. So many times I had wanted to leave but I kept thinking about that statement in the Proclamation to the Family put out by my church (the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) that says, "Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity." I had felt so guilty that I had such negative feelings about my husband. Now everything made sense. He was working against me. As much as he made me feel through his criticism and blame that the lack of the Spirit of God in our home was me, it wasn't. His actions and behavior had been driving it out of our home and out of his heart. I was grateful to know...it really wasn't me. All of these feelings and many more, were going through my mind and heart at the same time. It was surreal.

We left the therapist office after she told us that it can be overcome and our marriage would be stronger than we ever imagined if we could get through it. She made the comparison between sexual addiction and heroin which was a little overwhelming to me. I have relatives whose addiction to heroin has pretty much ruined their lives. I did point out that they never had turned it over to the Lord though.

After we left the therapists office, we went to the Bishop's office. I'm sure this was difficult for my husband as he was a member of the bishopric. At that point I was sobbing and felt like I might have a heart attack. My arms were numb from my shoulders to my elbows, my chest felt heavy, I was having a hard time breathing, was having chest pains and felt like I might throw up. Now I know what anxiety on the verge of a panic attack feels like. This went on for about a week and still happens every now and again.

I don't even remember most of the conversation we had with the Bishop. He did ask me if I wanted to leave instead of hear it all again (I guess the sobbing was an indicator that it was extremely hard to hear it again) but I felt like I wanted to know everything even though it hurt so badly. He had lied about so many things, I just wanted to know the whole truth. I do remember my husband agreeing with the Bishop that I was a great person and that it said so much that I was there with him. He said he knew he married the right person...I think he may have said that to the therapist too. I just remember being a little bugged by it at the time. I guess because it left the expectation that I wouldn't leave and that was definately still a very possible reality.

After the Bishop met with us together, he met with us individually. I felt frustrated when I sat down and the Bishop told me that my husband was going to need to be his focus and that he was going to need my help. Although I didn't verbalize it, I thought...maybe I don't want to help him. Afterwards, I asked him for a blessing and unfortunately, had a hard time feeling the spirit. I think my emotions were everywhere. My whole life as I knew it would never be the same.

More tomorrow...or the next day

My Story

I'm not really sure why I've decided to write a blog but maybe it will be some sort of therapy for me. I guess I'll start by introducing myself...

I grew up a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was taught to follow Jesus and try to live like he did. I've made plenty of mistakes in my life but overall, I felt like I was doing pretty well at accomplishing my goal. I served a mission for my church when I was 21 and felt very successful in my efforts. I came home and a few years later married the love of my life in one of the beautiful temples our church builds. My husband also served a mission and had such a peaceful way about him. We have 5 beautiful children who are wonderful.

Life hadn't been without trials as our 3rd child, and only boy was born with hydrocephalus and an arachnoid cyst in his brain. He needed hernia surgery at 2 months and spent years in occupational therapy. God bless us tremendously. After 3 1/2 long years we were told his hydrocephalus had resolved itself and that he wouldn't need a shunt. It was a hard few years for me as my first three were all born within 3 1/2 years of each other and trying to care for a child with health problems only added to my load. I remember thinking that at the times when I needed my husband most, he just didn't seem to be available. I thought that must just be how he handles stress.

Life went on and we had two more girls. The last was born 10 weeks early and wasn't expected to live. I had a very strong impression to go to the doctor that morning. While the doctor checked me, her heart rate plummated and they did an emergency c-section. Her 2 1/2 pound body survived and after 2 months in the NICU and then months of stressful care, she defied the reason of mortal man and lives as a constant reminder that miracles have not ceased.

We had plenty of stressful times throughout our marriage but particularly over the last few years. It seemed like he spent most of his time criticizing me or blaming me for anything that went wrong with him or the kids or anything. Anything I found joy in, he would be sure to be negative...I told him he was a pessimist and his response was always that he was a realist. Over the years I had questioned his faithfulness to me but he would always assure me that he loved me and would never cheat on me. I had many dreams about him cheating on me but after he would deny the truth of them, I would think they were a result of my own insecurities. He was a member of the bishopric and read his scriptures every morning, how could I ever doubt? I would often feel bad that I would allow myself to doubt him.

Well at the beginning of this year, things had gotten so bad that I couldn't take it anymore and told him we needed to go to a marriage counselor. I had suggested this many times over the years but he would tell me he did need a counselor or he'd blow me off. This time, he agreed and on our second visit, he confessed to living a double life for nearly the entire time we have been married.

I'm tired so I guess I'll write more tomorrow.