My Story

I'm not really sure why I've decided to write a blog but maybe it will be some sort of therapy for me. I guess I'll start by introducing myself...

I grew up a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was taught to follow Jesus and try to live like he did. I've made plenty of mistakes in my life but overall, I felt like I was doing pretty well at accomplishing my goal. I served a mission for my church when I was 21 and felt very successful in my efforts. I came home and a few years later married the love of my life in one of the beautiful temples our church builds. My husband also served a mission and had such a peaceful way about him. We have 5 beautiful children who are wonderful.

Life hadn't been without trials as our 3rd child, and only boy was born with hydrocephalus and an arachnoid cyst in his brain. He needed hernia surgery at 2 months and spent years in occupational therapy. God bless us tremendously. After 3 1/2 long years we were told his hydrocephalus had resolved itself and that he wouldn't need a shunt. It was a hard few years for me as my first three were all born within 3 1/2 years of each other and trying to care for a child with health problems only added to my load. I remember thinking that at the times when I needed my husband most, he just didn't seem to be available. I thought that must just be how he handles stress.

Life went on and we had two more girls. The last was born 10 weeks early and wasn't expected to live. I had a very strong impression to go to the doctor that morning. While the doctor checked me, her heart rate plummated and they did an emergency c-section. Her 2 1/2 pound body survived and after 2 months in the NICU and then months of stressful care, she defied the reason of mortal man and lives as a constant reminder that miracles have not ceased.

We had plenty of stressful times throughout our marriage but particularly over the last few years. It seemed like he spent most of his time criticizing me or blaming me for anything that went wrong with him or the kids or anything. Anything I found joy in, he would be sure to be negative...I told him he was a pessimist and his response was always that he was a realist. Over the years I had questioned his faithfulness to me but he would always assure me that he loved me and would never cheat on me. I had many dreams about him cheating on me but after he would deny the truth of them, I would think they were a result of my own insecurities. He was a member of the bishopric and read his scriptures every morning, how could I ever doubt? I would often feel bad that I would allow myself to doubt him.

Well at the beginning of this year, things had gotten so bad that I couldn't take it anymore and told him we needed to go to a marriage counselor. I had suggested this many times over the years but he would tell me he did need a counselor or he'd blow me off. This time, he agreed and on our second visit, he confessed to living a double life for nearly the entire time we have been married.

I'm tired so I guess I'll write more tomorrow.